confessions

i feel like i have a lot of people i should be praying for. people that i want to pray for. sometimes prayer is the only way to help someone but i wish i could actively do more. i wish i could fix problems like disease and death and emotional hurt. i wish i could open people's eyes to a more broad perspective. i wish i could open my own eyes to a broad enough perspective to see how some decisions and actions make sense in other people's minds. i wish the things i've gone through and learned from could be taught to others and make an impact on someone.

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i am going in a cycle, as i have for the past 3 years (and probably longer...but this is the noticable time period). each part of the cycle has a different level of intensity dependant on what is going on in my life. i've been learning to cope and healthily deal with issues, and as i do so the entire cycle is starting to lose its extremes, both highs and lows. it is encouraging to me when i see improvements like these in myself. but somehow, i miss the old cycle. why? because that was "normal" for so long. and now i have to adjust to a new normal. i dislike adjustments, even when i can see that it's so much better for me. my life hasn't gotten any less stressful or any less busy and i don't have a smaller amount of issues being thrown at me, but the difference is that i'm learning to handle these things in a better way than i did.

i used to burry my issues. i would push things down until they were manifested in my heart and mind as truth. i would believe lies until they were truth. even when someone would point out that the root of my issue could be deeper than i thought it to be, i would deny it and argue that know one could know how deep it was except me. i really didn't know that it was so deep and so harmful. i thought i knew exactly where my issues lay and all i needed to do was go through trial and error until they were fixed. i was wrong. i recently had an experience where i actually caught myself- my mind and heart- letting a lie become manifested deeper within me. for the first time, i saw and felt it happen. it was the strangest, scariest feeling. i realized that i am the reason i experienced so much pain in the last few years. i caused the problems to go so deep- i let them dig so deep- that they became truth and fact in my mind. i can't believe i was about to do it again.

i am now devoting my time to finding these lies and training my brain to label them as "lie", not as truth and hurt and grudge. i am looking for truth in all situations in order to not let myself become vulnerable to lies.

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prayer is powerful. i am giving these things to prayer and to the Lord. i am giving Him my mind and heart because i know that that is the only place they are safe.