it is hard for me to distinguish "good pride" from "bad pride" in my life. i don't believe that all pride is bad- without pride people would be jellyfish, with no backbone. there are things in life to be very proud of. things you've done, overcome, created, etc. but there comes a point where being proud of accomplishments turns into selfish arrogance, which is not a desirable trait.
this is a road block i have run into recently. i pride myself in my wisdom and knowledge of various topics. i pride myself in being level-headed in most situations. compliments such as "you are wise beyond your years" encourage this prideful attitude. when people i look up to come to me seeking advice, it causes my pride to get deeper. i never saw myself as being prideful in this area, but it is something that i am now realizing i need to be very cautious about. i have to watch myself and make sure i'm not using my wisdom just to show off or just because i've been complimented on it.
James 3 talks about wisdom:
"Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere."
i need to be very watchful of how/when/why i use my wisdom. i cannot boast in it. i cannot have selfish pride in it. any wisdom i have needs to be sincere and honest, used for the correct purposes.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
confessions
i feel like i have a lot of people i should be praying for. people that i want to pray for. sometimes prayer is the only way to help someone but i wish i could actively do more. i wish i could fix problems like disease and death and emotional hurt. i wish i could open people's eyes to a more broad perspective. i wish i could open my own eyes to a broad enough perspective to see how some decisions and actions make sense in other people's minds. i wish the things i've gone through and learned from could be taught to others and make an impact on someone.
...
i am going in a cycle, as i have for the past 3 years (and probably longer...but this is the noticable time period). each part of the cycle has a different level of intensity dependant on what is going on in my life. i've been learning to cope and healthily deal with issues, and as i do so the entire cycle is starting to lose its extremes, both highs and lows. it is encouraging to me when i see improvements like these in myself. but somehow, i miss the old cycle. why? because that was "normal" for so long. and now i have to adjust to a new normal. i dislike adjustments, even when i can see that it's so much better for me. my life hasn't gotten any less stressful or any less busy and i don't have a smaller amount of issues being thrown at me, but the difference is that i'm learning to handle these things in a better way than i did.
i used to burry my issues. i would push things down until they were manifested in my heart and mind as truth. i would believe lies until they were truth. even when someone would point out that the root of my issue could be deeper than i thought it to be, i would deny it and argue that know one could know how deep it was except me. i really didn't know that it was so deep and so harmful. i thought i knew exactly where my issues lay and all i needed to do was go through trial and error until they were fixed. i was wrong. i recently had an experience where i actually caught myself- my mind and heart- letting a lie become manifested deeper within me. for the first time, i saw and felt it happen. it was the strangest, scariest feeling. i realized that i am the reason i experienced so much pain in the last few years. i caused the problems to go so deep- i let them dig so deep- that they became truth and fact in my mind. i can't believe i was about to do it again.
i am now devoting my time to finding these lies and training my brain to label them as "lie", not as truth and hurt and grudge. i am looking for truth in all situations in order to not let myself become vulnerable to lies.
...
prayer is powerful. i am giving these things to prayer and to the Lord. i am giving Him my mind and heart because i know that that is the only place they are safe.
...
i am going in a cycle, as i have for the past 3 years (and probably longer...but this is the noticable time period). each part of the cycle has a different level of intensity dependant on what is going on in my life. i've been learning to cope and healthily deal with issues, and as i do so the entire cycle is starting to lose its extremes, both highs and lows. it is encouraging to me when i see improvements like these in myself. but somehow, i miss the old cycle. why? because that was "normal" for so long. and now i have to adjust to a new normal. i dislike adjustments, even when i can see that it's so much better for me. my life hasn't gotten any less stressful or any less busy and i don't have a smaller amount of issues being thrown at me, but the difference is that i'm learning to handle these things in a better way than i did.
i used to burry my issues. i would push things down until they were manifested in my heart and mind as truth. i would believe lies until they were truth. even when someone would point out that the root of my issue could be deeper than i thought it to be, i would deny it and argue that know one could know how deep it was except me. i really didn't know that it was so deep and so harmful. i thought i knew exactly where my issues lay and all i needed to do was go through trial and error until they were fixed. i was wrong. i recently had an experience where i actually caught myself- my mind and heart- letting a lie become manifested deeper within me. for the first time, i saw and felt it happen. it was the strangest, scariest feeling. i realized that i am the reason i experienced so much pain in the last few years. i caused the problems to go so deep- i let them dig so deep- that they became truth and fact in my mind. i can't believe i was about to do it again.
i am now devoting my time to finding these lies and training my brain to label them as "lie", not as truth and hurt and grudge. i am looking for truth in all situations in order to not let myself become vulnerable to lies.
...
prayer is powerful. i am giving these things to prayer and to the Lord. i am giving Him my mind and heart because i know that that is the only place they are safe.
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